Dale Earnhardt
Dale Earnhardt was the greatest NASCAR driver since Jesus. Life Dale Earnhardt (April 29, 3 A.D. - ) was born Dale Colbert and was the third of eleven children. It is a little known fact that Dale Earnhardt and Stephen Colbert are actually brothers. One day when Dale was three years old he ventured into the forest looking to kill some bears. After wandering for three hours and slaying three bears, he wandered into a dark and mysterious cave. Inside the cave little Dale saw a vision where three figures shrouded in light came to him. They introduced themselves as George W. Bush, St. Peter and Richard Petty. In the vision, George W. Bush prophesied that Dale would be the greatest driver ever to lay rubber on asphalt and from that day forward he would wake up in the morning and piss excellence. Peter gave Dale a set of golden keys that would allow him to drive any car he got into with power, precision and performance. Richard Petty rechristened him Dale Earnhardt as he knew that growing up with the same last name as Stephen Colbert would cause him to forever feel second best. And we all know that second place is the first loser, and if you aren't first, you are last. Dale was awarded a NASCAR contract the next year and went on to lead 3.6 million laps and win over eleventy billion races, including the 1998 Daytona 500. He is also the father of two other NASCAR greats, Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jeff Gordon. Death It was widely reported that Dale Earnhardt was murdered by Sterling Marlin on the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500, but further investigation has led to the following conclusions: 1. Sterling Marlin is a God-fearing Tennessee Republican and wouldn't kill anyone unless he was a liberal commie bear. 2. Dale Earnhardt was simply preparing the next generation of excellence pissing NASCAR heroes. In fact, in the race where Dale 'died' his two disciples, Michael Waltrip and his son Dale Colbert Earnhardt Jr., came in first and almost first. 3. There have been several sightings of Dale Colbert Earnhardt in various cafes nationwide in the company of such people as Elvis, 2Pac, JFK and Strom Thurmond. After his 'death', Earnhardt's number (3), sponsor (GM Goodwrench), and car color (black) were retired by NASCAR. He was replaced in the renumbered (29) and recolored (white) car by Kevin Harvick. By request of Dale Jr., GM Goodwrench was allowed to sponsor the car for two terms of three more years. Harvick won his third career race. On February 18, 2007, six years to the day of Earnhardt's 'death' at the 2001 Daytona 500, Harvick won a Daytona 500. On this day, Earnhardt showed up in victory lane to give Harvick a big hug. Dale Jr. was sad that his father (his own father!) never did this for him, and left Dale Earnhardt Inc., effective at the end of the 2007 race season. Thus it was revealed to the world that Dale Earnhardt never died. In a press conference the next day, he revealed that he was cryogenically frozen, alongside Walt Disney and Ted Williams, and had made a deal to be frozen until his replacement won a Daytona 500.